What Happens When the Plan Breaks Down?
By Suzie Thoraval
Why your response to mistakes matters more than the mistake itself
“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”
A few weeks ago, my son and I were on our way to a beach holiday. The car was packed to the rafters, road-trip music playing, and we’d battled our way through dense city traffic. About an hour in, I realised I’d forgotten the key to the holiday house.
There was no clever workaround. We had to turn around and head straight back into the traffic we’d just escaped.
At first, I felt a flood of frustration. I could feel my thinking narrowing. Everything started to look annoying, inefficient, and pointless. Then I caught myself.
I reminded myself: I’m with my son. We’re listening to music. We’re talking. We’re still heading somewhere we’re looking forward to. I took a few deep breaths and made a conscious decision to stop fixating on how long it would take and simply enjoy the journey we were already on.
I started to realise that my mood was shifting. And my son responded almost immediately. We laughed about the mistake. He joked that it would make a great story one day: “Remember when you forgot the key and we sat in traffic for two hours just to come back home?” The atmosphere softened. The conversation deepened. We talked about things that matter. Those rare, precious moments when teenagers open up.
By the time we arrived at the beach house, no real harm had been done. And in an unexpected way, the mistake had given us something valuable: time, connection, and a shared story.
What this has to do with leadership
Leaders forget “keys” all the time.
A decision needs to be revisited. A project takes longer than planned. A reform doesn’t land the way it was intended. A risk materialises despite good governance.
As leaders, we can't possibly avoid every mistake. We are human. They happen. How we respond to them is much more important.
What played out in that car is what researchers call emotional regulation and emotional contagion.
Studies show that leaders’ emotional states strongly influence the mood, behaviour, and openness of others. When a leader becomes reactive, teams tighten up. When a leader steadies themselves, others feel safer to engage.
Amy Edmondson’s research on psychological safety shows that people are more willing to speak up, learn, and contribute after mistakes when leaders respond with calm, curiosity, and respect rather than blame or urgency.
In other words, your internal response becomes the environment others experience.
Shackleton’s adaptive leadership
One of the most striking examples of this is Ernest Shackleton.
When his Antarctic expedition ship Endurance became trapped and eventually crushed by ice, Shackleton’s original goal became impossible. Thoughts of heroics or sticking to rigid plans had to be discarded. What became the focus was keeping his crew psychologically and physically intact.
Instead, Shackleton focused on morale, routine, calm decision-making, and connection. He reframed setbacks as shared challenges.
Against extraordinary odds, every single member of his crew survived.
When the route changes
Sometimes, leadership is less like following a fixed itinerary and more like travelling in unfamiliar places.
Buses are cancelled. Schedules shift. Things you planned to see are suddenly closed. Experienced travellers learn that fighting these moments only wastes energy — going with the flow keeps you open.
Years ago in Mexico, my now-husband and I waited six hours in a bus shelter for a late bus. At first I was furious, trying to get answers in my broken travel Spanish. But after realising that was futile, we just settled in. We talked, shared snacks, watched people pass by, and made the best of it. I don’t remember the delay with frustration — I remember it fondly.
Leadership is much the same. Plans change. Information arrives late. Mistakes happen. What stays with people isn’t the delay itself, but how you handle it and how safe they feel with you while it’s unfolding.
Why this matters now
In complex, high-pressure environments, people take their cues from leaders. This is especially true in moments of uncertainty or error. Calm is not just a personal wellbeing strategy. It’s a collective leadership capability.
When leaders stay regulated:
trust is preserved
conversations deepen
learning remains possible
relationships strengthen under pressure
When leaders don’t, mistakes multiply.
Things for leaders to remember when things go wrong
Your first job is self-regulation, before problem-solving
Your emotional response sets the tone more than your words
Humour, used respectfully, can transform tension into shared meaning
Recovery matters more than perfection
People remember how you handled the moment long after they forget the mistake itself
Ask yourself:
What story am I starting to tell myself about this situation?
How is my emotional state shaping the room right now?
What would calm leadership look like here?
What might become possible if I widen my perspective instead of narrowing it?
What am I modelling for others about how we handle mistakes?
A final reflection
We don’t build adaptive stability by avoiding detours. We build it by staying anchored in who we are even when the route changes. Sometimes the unexpected becomes the story that matters most.
When things go wrong, what do people learn from you about how to handle it?
