Why Kindness Matters More When People Are Under Pressure
How Adaptive Stability helps us stay grounded when frustration, delay and pressure rise
“We owe it to ourselves and to the world, to our own dignity and self-respect, to set our own standards of behaviour, regardless of what other nations do.”
This weekend, a good friend of mine, who leads customer care for a well-known Australian designer brand, told me that dealing with customers is harder than ever. She said people are sharper. Ruder. Less patient. At times, in her words, almost “unhinged”.
When I asked her what she thought was going on, her answer was simple. There seems to be an absence of kindness creeping into everyday interactions.
There is certainly evidence for this view. You can see it in the signs at supermarkets and post offices reminding people to be respectful to staff. You can feel it on the road, where driving often seems angrier and less forgiving than it used to. And for many people working in customer-facing roles, this is not occasional. It is a daily reality.
Reflecting on this idea brought back a moment from my own life that changed how I interacted with people in customer service.
What my son taught me at Singapore airport
Years ago, we were stranded after a Jetstar flight cancellation in Singapore. We were jet-lagged, exhausted, and travelling with young children. We were late getting home for school and work, and I was standing at the customer service counter for the second day in a row, having twice been told to come back tomorrow to see whether we could get on a flight home.
By that point, I was frustrated and pushing hard for us to be rebooked that day.
I was not handling it well.
I turned and saw my son in tears. I looked back at the person behind the counter and said, “Look what you are doing to my son.”
When we finally walked away, past the long queue of people waiting for their own turn to vent, my son said something that stayed with me.
“Mum, I wasn’t crying because of the cancelled flight. I was crying because of how you were treating that person.”
He was right.
The person behind that counter had not cancelled our flight. They had not designed the system. They had not written the policy or made the budget cuts. They were simply the human being standing there having to deal with the fallout.
I had confused having a legitimate complaint and feeling angry about it with having permission to let my feelings drive how I behaved.
Since then, I have tried much harder to be reasonable and maintain a pleasant manner with front line staff even if I’m frustrated with their organisation.
Pressure has a public face
Road safety researcher Amanda Stephens put it well when she said, “We drive as we feel.” That idea can be applied beyond the road. We shop as we feel. We email as we feel. We speak as we feel.
That is what makes this a leadership issue.
Leadership is not only demonstrated in strategy, presentations or moments of crisis. It is also revealed in how we behave when we are inconvenienced, frustrated or running late. Often, the small moments tell the truth about our inner state more clearly than the big ones.
This is where Adaptive Stability matters
Adaptive Stability is useful not only for major change or high-stakes decisions. It also matters in ordinary moments when life does not go to plan.
Can I stay grounded enough not to pass my stress on?
Can I hold frustration without taking it out on someone who did not cause it?
Can I stay flexible when things go wrong, instead of becoming hard and reactive?
A gum tree survives harsh conditions not by becoming rigid, but by staying deeply rooted while still bending with the wind. I think people are much the same. When our reserves are low, pressure makes us brittle. And brittle people crack in public.
To me, kindness under pressure is the ability to remain human when life is not going smoothly.
What leaders can do
First, notice where your own pressure is leaking into ordinary interactions.
Second, slow the moment down before you speak. Frustration rises quickly. A pause helps you choose your response rather than simply react.
Third, remember that the person in front of you is often dealing with a system they did not create and cannot control.
Fourth, protect your own reserves. Rest, space and recovery are not indulgences. They make patience, perspective and self-control more possible.
And finally, if you lead a team or an organisation, this is not only an individual issue. Institutions also need to pay attention to the customer experience. Systems that are slow, confusing and impersonal chip away at people’s equilibrium long before a conversation begins. Better systems will not solve everything, but they can remove some of the friction that makes everyday interactions harder than they need to be.
A harsher culture is built interaction by interaction.
So is a kinder one.
A few questions to reflect on
Where is your own pressure leaking into everyday interactions?
What helps you stay grounded when you are frustrated, inconvenienced or tired?
What would kindness under pressure look like in your leadership this week?
If this resonated, I'd love to hear what comes up for you. And if you know someone who might benefit from reading it, please feel free to share.
