What If Asking For Help Is Actually Strong Leadership?
By Suzie Thoraval
Why building your personal board of directors is an act of strength
“In the multitude of counsellors there is safety.”
Years ago, I sat in a women in leadership course run by Christine Nixon, the first woman to lead Victoria Police. She spoke about the value of having a personal board of directors: people who have your best interests at heart and can help you think through the decisions that keep you up at night.
I remember thinking what a good idea this was and how nice it must be to have people like this to call on when you needed it.
Back then, I felt that leaders needed to project certainty and strength even if behind the scenes you were still figuring it out. I saw asking for help as a sign of weakness or like it demonstrated you couldn’t handle your responsibilities.
I have always struggled to ask for help. I don’t want to bother others and I don’t want to seem like I don’t have it together. I was comfortable projecting capability and responsibility. I was the person others came to for help.
Being the person who needed counsel felt much less comfortable.
But that course gave me a different way to see it. It helped me understand that seeking advice was part of mature leadership. It wasn’t a weakness, it was a way of widening my thinking, avoiding blindspots, testing my assumptions and making better decisions. It was the first time I understood that there was strength in not trying to carry the load by myself.
These days, I’m a huge advocate of seeking diverse viewpoints, particularly when the environment is uncertain and you are under pressure.
Essential for modern leadership
In fact, I think seeking counsel from those you trust is a modern leadership skill. Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, has spoken about his own personal board of directors, with his mentor Bill Lazier as honorary chairman.
Career development researcher Kathy Kram and Monica Higgins argued one mentor is rarely enough in today’s workplace because leaders need different kinds of guidance, exposure, challenge and support from different relationships. Their work sees mentoring as a wider developmental network, rather than relying on one mentor to provide every kind of guidance.
That makes sense. One person, however wise, only sees your work and your life from one angle. A good personal board gives you different lenses. Someone may help you think strategically. Someone else may challenge your blind spots. Another person may remind you of your values when pressure is pulling you away from them.
Use adaptive stability to get the most from your personal board of directors
Mindset helps you stay open enough to ask for counsel. Flexibility helps you consider perspectives that may unsettle your first response. Resilience helps you hear their potentially alternative views without lapsing into self-doubt or defensiveness.
In this way, having outside counsel can create real equilibrium for your leadership. You are still the decision-maker. You still hold the responsibility. You are simply making the decision with a wider lens.
Creating your personal board
A personal board works a little like a company board. It helps you step back from the pressure of the immediate decision, test your assumptions and see the wider picture.
It works best when its members sit outside your immediate hierarchy. They are not reporting to you. You are not reporting to them. They have enough distance to be honest, and enough care about your successful outcome to be helpful.
A few things matter when choosing who belongs on your board:
Choose for different perspectives, not just people who have the same views as you
Look for people from different career stages, industries and life experiences
Include people who will tell you the truth kindly, clearly and early
Consult them on the problem you are grappling with, not just what you’ve decided.
A board that hears about the decision after it is made can encourage you. A board that hears the open question you’re considering can actually help you make a stronger decision.
What decision are you trying to make alone right now?
And who could help you think about it before your mind is already made up?
Want to keep the conversation going?
Because this topic is so closely connected to adaptive stability, I’d love to extend the conversation beyond this newsletter.
I’m exploring the idea of gathering a small group of leaders over coffee in the Melbourne CBD to discuss the concept of a personal board of directors: who we turn to, what kind of counsel we need, and how we intentionally build trusted circles around us.
