If No One Challenges You, Your Leadership is Already At Risk
By Suzie Thoraval
Why courageous feedback creates stronger organisations
“Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”
As a mid-career lawyer, I once received feedback from my leader, Amelia, that I was too timid. She said when I knocked on her door, I apologised for the interruption and hovered. I softened my voice. I waited for permission to enter.
She physically demonstrated how my peers approached her: striding in, direct, confident, clear.
Then she said something that stayed with me:
“You have something worth interrupting me for. Carry yourself like that.”
It stung. I felt the discomfort in my body, the shame rising in my chest.
She was right. I wasn’t confident in that new environment.
For years I had worked in large law firms. Hierarchy was explicit. You learned quickly where you sat in the pecking order. You didn’t interrupt partners lightly. You were careful. Deferential. Precise.
That way of operating followed me into a different workplace.
Her feedback made me aware of how I physically carried myself: rounded shoulders, softened tone, apologetic framing. So I adjusted.
The next time I stood squarely in her doorway and said, “Amelia, I need five minutes on a procurement risk issue.”
No preamble. No apology.
She responded differently and invited me in.
The feedback showed me that presence shapes perceived credibility. But I also recognised the context. Some peers had worked with her for years. I hadn’t. Some were men. I was observing how gender influenced who felt entitled to interrupt.
So I didn’t swallow the feedback whole. I filtered it, keeping what strengthened me and discarding what didn’t fit.
A year later, I gave Amelia feedback in a 360-degree survey that was meant to be anonymous. She called me into her office and asked if I had written it. When I acknowledged I had, she questioned why I thought that and explained why she believed the feedback wasn’t accurate.
I remember sitting there thinking: receiving feedback is far harder than giving it. Even for experienced leaders.
Adaptive stability is the discipline of staying anchored in who you are while remaining open enough to adjust.
Why feedback hurts more in uncertain times
Neuroscience shows that social evaluation, including criticism, activates the same threat response in the brain as physical danger. When our sense of status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness or fairness feels at risk, the brain shifts into protection mode. We become defensive, withdrawn or overly explanatory.
Add restructures, performance pressure or shifting strategy, and the response intensifies. Feedback feels less like useful information and more like an attack.
You might notice yourself justifying your decision instead of listening. Or avoiding a hard conversation because it feels easier to keep the peace.
In uncertain times, leaders often soften or delay feedback. It can feel kind in the moment. But stability and strong performance depend on knowing what needs to change. False harmony does not protect a team.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg: conviction with adjustment
Early in her career, Ruth Bader Ginsburg was told to be more strategic in how she argued for gender equality.
She could have rejected that advice. The issue was deeply important. She believed she was right.
But she took that feedback on board and adjusted her approach. Instead of trying to change the entire system at once, she chose smaller cases she could win. Each win built momentum.
The feedback didn’t weaken her values. It helped her be more effective.
Over time, those smaller victories created the legal foundation for broader and lasting gender equality protections in the United States. She later became a United States Supreme Court Justice and played a pivotal role in advancing gender equality under the law.
Throughout much of her early litigation career, Ginsberg stayed firm on her purpose but flexible in how she achieved it.
Why leaders resist when it matters most
Under pressure, leaders protect identity.
“I’m decisive.”
“I’m fair.”
“I’m inclusive.”
When feedback challenges those identities, the instinct is to defend rather than explore the truth in what’s being offered.
Research shows leaders who improve actively ask for specific input and demonstrate visible change. Without that feedback loop: listen, reflect and adjust, the feedback goes nowhere.
When leaders invite clear, honest feedback, they make better decisions and adapt earlier. That reduces uncertainty because they are dealing with reality, not avoiding it.
Practical ways to stay steady
When feedback feels uncomfortable:
Ask for specific behavioural examples, rather than general labels
Notice what happens in your body and calm the system before you respond
Choose one clear behavioural adjustment from the feedback and trial it within 48 hours
Ask: “What’s one thing I may be missing here?”
Feedback does not reduce confidence. It sharpens it
Stable organisations don’t avoid hard conversations. They have them early and often. Avoiding feedback may soothe you temporarily. But sustainable leadership comes from learning what you cannot yet see.
What is one uncomfortable question you’ve been avoiding that, if asked this week, would strengthen your leadership?
